What Emotional Regulation Actually Means (and How Therapy Helps You Build It)

The Misunderstanding Around “Control”

You’ve probably heard that you should control your emotions - “Pick yourself up by boot straps,” “Men should not cry,” “Just choose happiness, be positive.” But what if you’ve already tried to control the feelings? The hard feelings overwhelm and might control you instead. A common misconception is that control over feelings means suppressing them. Feeling your emotions is normal - all feelings are welcome at the table but keeping them suppressed can lead to anxiety, depression, and shame. For many people, men and teen boys, emotional regulation is not about control, it’s about understanding and feeling connected with yourself and other people. Developing emotional regulation will strengthen your mind, making it more flexible and resilient; this can also improve your relationships. Let’s explore more about what emotional regulation looks like and how therapy helps you build it.

What Emotional Regulation Actually Means

Emotional regulation is the sense of noticing what you feel, accepting the emotion, and choosing how to respond instead of reacting. Emotional regulation begins to develop during childhood with our emotional role models (parents, guardians, caregivers).

Emotional Regulation is the ability to:

• Notice what your feeling

• Understand what the emotion is doing for you and accept the emotion

• Choosing how to respond instead of reacting on autopilot

This is the opposite of suppressing emotions. If you ever heard of the phrase, “making space,” that is emotional regulation. It’s learning to work with internal signals instead of against them. Each emotion has a purpose and none are inherently “bad.”

Emotional Regulation is Not:

• Being calm all the time

• Never getting angry

• Acting tough

• Stoicism or not showing emotion

These are examples of emotional suppression, and if done for long enough can lead to:

• Outbursts of anger

• Shutting down (feeling numb, stonewalling)

• Anxiety and panic attacks

• Depression

• Feeling lost or stuck (disconnected from yourself)

• Relationship issues

• Shame

Many teens, especially boys, grow up without anyone teaching them how to identity and regulate their emotions. But that’s not your fault! And it’s not forever. Emotional regulation is a skill and this can be learned.

Signs You Might Be Struggling with Emotional Regulation

Working with teens and adults, here is what I have seen:

• You get irritated or overwhelmed easily'

• You feel numb or disconnected when things get too intense or overstimulating

• You shut down during arguments or confrontation

• You run away from arguments or confrontation

• You have trouble communicating your emotions to your loved ones

• You explode over the small things that “shouldn’t” bother you

• You experience your body feel tight, hot, shaky or flooded when you are extremely stressed

If any of this sounds familiar, you are not alone. Let’s remove the “should’s” and “shouldn’ts”. These are strategies that you have adapted to using when things get overwhelming - it’s a way of protecting yourself. Emotional regulation can be learned and practiced. This is a skill that can be developed while exploring more what’s behind the emotion in therapy.

How Therapy Helps You Build Emotional Regulation

In therapy, you can learn the tools to help you identify, understand and regulate your emotions with skills and confidence. Why is emotional regulation important? As Dr. Kristin Neff expertly states with her equation, “Suffering = Resistance * Pain.” Suffering is the product of pain times resistance. We all face pain in our lives - that’s a common human experience, but the more we ignore or fight against the pain, the more the suffering. Here’s what we can explore in therapy to navigate that resistance with compassion:

1. Identifying the Triggers of Emotion

   Therapy helps uncover the triggers of emotions. Do we truly get angry or sad for no reason? No emotion exists in isolation. In therapy we can explore:

   • Stress buildup (family, friends, work, etc.)

   • Relationship patterns

   • Unprocessed trauma

   Finding clarity can be the first step in shifting our internal and external responses.

2. Naming and Understanding What you Feel

   This is part of the regulation process. Naming the emotion itself makes you think about your feeling, moving yourself out of a fight-or-flight state. Sometimes emotions help us hide or protect ourselves from the overwhelm of a problem. Here are some examples of what some emotions might be doing:

   • Anger: covering up fear or shame

   • Numbness: covering up anger or exhaustion

   • Irritation: protecting from overwhelm

   Your feelings are yours to name. Nobody knows you like you do. Therapy helps support your internal world, to bring clarity through curiosity and compassionate exploration.

3. Learning Regulation Skills with Somatic Work

   Emotional regulation starts in the body because emotions can be identified with bodily sensations (burning in stomach, heavy chest, light-headed, etc.). Your nervous system is tied with your emotions. Tools in therapy can help develop emotional regulation such as:

   • Grounding techniques

   • Breathing exercises

   • Body awareness

4. Building New Patterns

   Therapy is a place where you can learn how to express your emotions without the overwhelm or judgement. It’s an opportunity to practice:

   • Setting boundaries

   • Holding discomfort or the difficult emotions

   • Expressing emotions while feeling safe

   • Navigating conflict with others

5. Building Autonomy and Confidence

   What’s the result of learning emotional regulation in therapy? You might feel:

   • Not as reactive, impulsive with emotions

   • Grounded during conflict (not necessarily calm, but present)

   • More connected with others

   • Connected with yourself

   • Not as stressed with hard situations

Ready to Build Emotional Regulation? I’m here to help!

If you are a teen, adult or parent who constantly feels overwhelmed or not in control of their emotions, then you don’t have to face this journey alone.

At New Leaf Wellness, I specialize in

• Emotional regulation

• Trauma therapy

• Teen counseling

• Identity and sexual orientation work

• Online therapy

You can build emotional skills in therapy that will create the stability that you didn’t grow up with.

Schedule a free consultation with me to see how I can best support you! I serve with online therapy across Texas.