My Child Came Out—What Should I Say (and Not Say)?

When your child comes out to you as LGBTQ+, questioning, or gender-diverse, it can be a sensitive and emotional time. Many parents feel honored their child trusted them enough to share this news, while also experiencing fear, confusion, or concerns about their child's safety and future. If you’re unsure about what to say and what to avoid, you’re not alone.

This guide will help you respond in ways that maintain your relationship, support your child’s mental health, and keep communication open, especially during the teenage years.

First Things First: Your Reaction Matters More Than Your Words

Your child likely practiced this conversation many times. Teens often watch their parent’s face, tone, and body language before they hear the words. Even if you feel surprised or uncertain, staying calm and providing emotional safety is what matters most in this moment.

You don’t need to say everything perfectly, but you should communicate:

• You are loved.

• You are safe with me.

• We can talk about this together.

What to Say When Your Child Comes Out

Here are responses that help teens feel accepted and supported:

• “Thank you for telling me.”

This shows you recognize the courage it took to share.

• “I love you, and that doesn’t change.”

Many teens worry about being rejected. Say this early and clearly.

• “I’m really glad you trusted me with this.”

Trust forms the basis for ongoing conversations.

• “How long have you known?” or “How can I support you right now?”

Open-ended questions encourage connection without making them feel pressured.

• “We can take this one step at a time.”

This reassures your child that they don’t need to have everything figured out—and neither do you.

What Not to Say (Even If It Comes From Fear or Love)

Some common responses can unintentionally discourage your child:

• “This is just a phase.”

Even if things change over time, this can feel dismissive and invalidating.

• “Are you sure?” or “How do you know?”

These questions can come across as interrogation instead of curiosity.

• “You’re too young to know.”

Teens can understand their identity, even if they are still exploring it.

• “Don’t tell anyone yet.”

Unless safety is an issue, this can feel like shame or secrecy.

• “This is really hard for me.”

Your feelings matter, but this moment is about your child. There will be time later for you to process.

If You’re Feeling Overwhelmed, That’s Okay

It’s common for parents to feel grief, not for their child, but for the expectations they held (marriage, children, etc.). Others may worry about bullying, discrimination, or how extended family will react, particularly in places where LGBTQ+ youth face additional challenges.

You can be supportive while still needing support yourself.

What matters most is what your child feels from you:

• Consistency

• Curiosity

• Protection

• Advocacy

What Your Child Needs Most After Coming Out

Coming out is not a one-time talk; it’s the start of an ongoing journey.

Your child may need:

• Ongoing reassurance, not just once

• Help navigating school, peers, or extended family

• Support with anxiety, depression, or stress related to their identity

• A safe space to talk without feeling “fixed” or rushed

When Therapy Can Help

Affirming therapy can support both teens and parents during this transition. For teens, it provides a space to explore their identity, manage stress, and build resilience. For parents, it offers guidance on communication, boundaries, and advocacy without judgment.

You don’t have to go through this alone, and neither does your child.

Final Thoughts

You don’t need to find perfect words. What matters is your willingness to listen, learn, and stay connected.

If your child came out to you, it indicates they still want you close.

That’s what matters most, more than getting it perfectly right.

If you’re a parent of an LGBTQ+ or gender-diverse teen and want professional support, affirming therapy can help your family navigate this time with care and confidence. I offer gender-affirming therapy in Texas for online clients. You can learn more about gender-affirming therapy by clicking the button below!